From the Magazine: A grand old noisy mystery

When the customer and the car are making noises that are difficult to understand

It was a rainy Wednesday. The shop was busy when Ms. Mumbles answered the phone.

I heard her say pardon three or four times. I knew instantly it was Marble Mouth Mike, an 80-year-old retired lawyer. Mike always talked like he had a mouth full of marbles. In truth, it was usually cookies, and some got on you when he talked.

Mike had a 15-year-old Grand Marquis. A fine automobile in its day and, for the most part, still in good shape. He followed our advice and always maintained it.

Ms. Mumbles had booked him in for a service and strange noise for Friday.

“That’s perfect. Dippy Dorothy and I are taking bus trip to the casino in Niagara Falls,” he said. 

He told Ms. Mumbles to keep the keys inside; he has another set and can pick it up over the weekend.

In most cases, if time allows, I road test a vehicle for noises ahead of time. On Friday, I drove the Grand Marquis around for 10 minutes without hearing any unusual noises.

I gave the job to Prickly Pete. He was always in a good mood on Fridays. Could be because it was pay day?

Prickly serviced the vehicle and did a thorough inspection, finding nothing loose that would cause a noise.

His only finding was right rear shock was leaking and he recommended rear shocks.

I didn’t have to call Marble Mouth Mike for authorization but I  was hoping he was on a winning streak at casino just the same. We replaced the rear shocks and left a copy of the invoice in the Mercury.

He showed up right at opening on Monday morning to pay his bill. I didn’t ask about his trip to casino but he seemed happy.

Almost like déjà vu, on Wednesday, Ms. Mumbles is saying “pardon?” several times. Mike is upset — the Marquis is still making the strange noise! He wants to talk to Stu.

I took the call immediately and although I could only understand every third word, I got the gist of it. 

The Grand Marquis is not so grand and still making this strange sound. I told Marbles to come down right away and we would go for a drive to hear it together.

“No, I have euchre at the church. See you tomorrow,” he said.

I hadn’t even shut off the alarm when I saw the green Grand Marquis driving in. Apparently, Mike is up every morning at 5.

I explained that once Ms. Mumbles gets here, we will go for a drive. After gulping down my medium dark roast from Tim’s, Mike and I hit the road. As usual, I would drive and determine where the source of the noise was coming from.

After 10 minutes of high and low speeds, over bumps and turns Mike says, “It won’t do it here. You need to go to my street.”

We drive over to Mike’s street. There where a few new homes being built. With new homes often comes big excavators which make interesting ripples or rumble strips in the road.

When you hit these with a 15-year-old Mercury Grand Marquis, it will make a very odd noise. It was an easy diagnosis.

Most folks might have been embarrassed but Mike thanked me for figuring it out. I was just glad he wasn’t eating cookies at the time!